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Things I’m Sick of Hearing…

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I’ve been vaping long enough now (as I’m sure all of you have as well) to be able to put together a list of things that I am really getting sick of hearing from the stereotypical American, misanthropic, coffee house scientist/lawyer.  Feel free to add your own contributions in the ‘comments’ section:

  • “Did you know they put antifreeze in there (my E-cig)?”  Answer: Of course.  I made this one myself and without antifreeze it just doesn’t have that… that Oomph, ya know!?
  • “They just did studies that proved that those (E-cigs, once again) don’t actually help people quit smoking.”  Answer: Really?  That’s fascinating because you’re actually, physically sitting next to and conversing with a person who has quit smoking with E-cigs.  In fact your optic nerve is receiving visual information that completely negates the statement that just vomited out of your face.
  • “I want to use the 0mg nicotine stuff because I just use hookah.  I don’t smoke.”  Answer:  Um, I hate to be the deliverer of bad news but the fact that you use “hookah” means that you not only smoke, but you smoke incredibly dense pipe tobacco, rich in massive amounts of nicotine and inhaled directly into the lung in long, deep breaths.  And by the way, pipe tobacco is not really supposed to be inhaled at all, simply because it’s so friggin’ strong and bad for you.
  • And in the same vein as the previous one… “Is that a hookah pen?”  Answer:  No, actually it’s a… You know what?  Yeah.  Yes it’s a hookah pen, except awesomer!
  • “I can’t believe you’re using that around your (or someone else’s) child.”  Answer: Well, I figured that the vaporized antifreeze wouldn’t really matter, what with the heroine and steroids that I inject into that little bad-ass kid!
  • “You know, nobody really knows anything about those things yet.”  Answer: Is that a fact?  That’s depressing because apparently, according to you, I just wasted a week and a half reading about 700 pages of scientific evidence that ‘nobody really knows’ because the more-than-adequately executed and documented experimentation and research ‘doesn’t actually exist’ on this planet which ‘isn’t really there’ in a universe which ‘may or may not be real.’  Go home, hippie!
  • “This looks like a shooting up kit for heroine!”  Answer:  It’s funny you should mention that because it doesn’t actually look anything like a kit in which one would keep their drug paraphernalia.  If you look at this kit for more than a split second, you’ll notice that we’re lacking almost all of the necessary components of the typical syringe and drug collection.  Also, it would be rare to see a battery, or anything USB-related in a heroine kit.  Finally, heroine generally doesn’t come in flavors like ‘Tobacco’ or ‘Strawberry Cheesecake.’  Just sayin’… (P.S.  Why don’t you go bother a diabetic about their insulin ‘kit’ for a change.)
  • “Excuse me, there’s no smoking in here.”  Answer:  Does this look like a f*****g cigarette to you?  When was the last time you saw a cigarette with a digital readout made of solid metal with a liquid-filled tank attached to it?!?!
  • “Excuse me, I’m allergic to smoke.”  Answer:  Just go away!  You’re apparently also allergic to human brain matter, too.  Just go!
  • “Candy and dessert flavors are designed to attract young children and get them to start smoking.”  Answer: Mm hmm.  That’s great!  And I suppose that sleek and loud-colored sports cars are designed to attract young children and get them to start illegal street racing, too?  Bottles of alcohol with pirates on the labels must also be aimed at getting children to start drinking… OR… could it possibly be that adults like candy, too, and also respond with a sense of adventure and awe at the image of a pirate drinking rum?  Since when do children have more pervasive tastes than adults?
  • “I’ve only owned this clearomizer (a CE-4) for about a month and a half and it just tastes burnt now.  I don’t think this whole E-cig thing is as good as everyone (the ones with rebuilt atomizers on good mods) says it is.”  Answer:  You wanted a good E-cig experience for under $10.  What the hell did you think was gonna happen, moron!?!?
  • “I don’t see anything wrong with FDA regulating E-cigs.”  Answer: Really?  ‘Cause I’m not sure if you’re aware of it or not, but the FDA isn’t the end-all-be-all of approval committees on this Earth.  In fact, they more often than not approve the harmful and either ban or regulate-out-of-existence the helpful.  So why should we trust them to regulated an industry that really is doing just fine on its own?
  • “I think that all of the legislation to prohibit the sale of E-cigs to minors is a good thing.”  Answer: I CHALLENGE YOU to find any vendor of E-cigs ANYWHERE in this country that sell E-cigs to children under the age of 18.  In fact, I TRIPLE-DOG-DARE YOU!
  • “Excuse me, sir (or ma’am, as it applies)… you can’t smoke that in here.”  Answer: [say nothing, just keep walking] or:  Ok.  I don’t even have a lighter anyways [and then take a long, hearty puff off of your E-cig].
  • “Did you know that stuff like Nicorette and Chantix (etc.) actually work better as smoking cessation devices than E-cigs?  They worked for me the last three times I quit.”  (Seriously… I actually heard this come out of a real person’s mouth AS THEY LIT A CIGARETTE WITH THE BUTT OF ANOTHER CIGARETTE!!!!!)  Answer:  Just go kill yourself.
  • [Direct quote]: “Mimicking smoking in public is probably not getting you closer to quitting.”  Answer: Are you aware that what you’re essentially saying is that ‘not doing something at all’ isn’t ‘not doing something at all.’  Do you suffer from a learning disability?  You know, being retarded probably isn’t getting you any closer to being retarded.

That’s all I got for now.  I might add more at a later date, but I can actually feel my already high blood pressure starting to bubble.

 

8 COMMENTS

    • Wow. Can’t believe I missed that. That’s what I get for typing an entire article with my thumbs and autocomplete. I shall have to edit this in the morning when I have a real keyboard in front of me. Thank you.

  1. You have absolutely nailed so many kinds of cretin! I swear, people get stupider BY THE SECOND… Maybe you could also lambast the idiots using “impact” as a verb? 😉

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