I find it fascinating that the same people who, for decades now, have been vehement opponents of cigarettes and anything tobacco-related are now even more adamantly against the first thing to ever come around that promises to actually save millions of people from death by horrible, flesh-melting, heart-popping tobacco cancer. I know in my heart, just as most sensible and reasonably intelligent beings do, that the reason behind this obviously absurd stance is that the anti-tobacco industry has become just that… an industry. It is a body composed of many limbs and appendages of all different sorts. There are the pharmaceutical corporations who make billions of dollars off of Chantix, Wellbutrin, Nicorette, etc. There are organizations such as Truth. org which employ many people who are dependent on the continuing panic of tobacco-induced health risks for job security. There are doctors, lawyers, etc. who have concentrated their practices on tobacco-related issues. So the mere mention of something that could possibly make many of these different companies and organizations moot is a frightening and threatening proposition.
So, in an effort to put things into perspective, and possibly to harvest a snicker, chuckle, or maybe even a laugh or two out of my readership, I’ve devised a short list of examples of how this chaotic anti-vaping logic would appear in other industries. Enjoy:
- Water looks like Vodka and Gin, so don’t drink any water because it could lead to alcoholism and death.
- Saline drips contain salt, just like the ocean which has thousands of tons of whale poop floating around in it. So, if you are using an I.V. of saline in the hospital, you are going to die of whale poop.
- Your car has gasoline in it, which is flammable… so don’t drive your car or you’ll be on fire.
- Earth is a similar size to Venus, which does not support life, and both exhibit lightning storms on a regular basis. So, obviously, Earth can’t support life.
- Your blood has iron in it… the same metal once used to create deadly weapons. So you’re blood will stab everyone near you to death.
- I once had a friend named Sergeant Slaughter (for real, that was his actual Marine Corps rank and last name), and because his last name is a word that means to kill in a violent and messy manner, more or less, he must be butchering everyone around him all the time with a meat cleaver.
- Death traditionally carries a reaper, which is also used by farmers for harvesting purposes. So every time you eat corn you will die.
- The Nazis wore uniforms… so all janitors kill six million Jews.
- Books consist of paper, which comes from trees that house many species of animals. A great white shark is an animal, and many of them eat non-food items such as license plates. Most motorcycles are required to have license plates for identification purposes. The word ‘purposes’ is very similar to the word ‘porpoises,’ which can be seen at Sea World. I went to Sea World recently and fed the sting rays. They tell you to hold your hand out flat while feeding them, but my pinkie was pointed upwards and was bitten by a sting ray. By the way, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter was killed by a sting ray, and not by a crocodile as we all wrongly assumed would eventually happen. Crocodiles are uses to make boots, so books are boots.
- Kennedy was killed by a shot from the infamous ‘grassy knoll.’ So grass is a clear and present danger to the United States of America… as are knolls (what the hell is a knoll, anyways?)
- When you look into a mirror, and raise your left hand, the image of yourself in the mirror raises his/her/its right hand. Your left hand is your right hand.
- There are trace amounts of arsenic found in the foods we eat, including baby food. So the human race is now extinct.
- There is a tremendous amount of hot air in the gibberish statements of ANTZ (Anti-Nicotine and Tobacco Zealots) activists. Hot air is found in deserts. There is almost no water or precipitation in a desert… but there are scorpions. Therefore, there is no water on Earth and you’re about to get stung by a scorpion! Look out!!
- And finally, the writer of this article (yours truly!) lives in Melbourne, FL, which is near the beach. People who spend lots of time at the shore of a beach on an ocean run a slightly elevated risk of being killed by a tidal wave/tsunami. Shore is part of Pauly Shore’s name. Pauly Shore was in Son-in-Law with Lane Smith, who was with Fred Gwynne in My Cousin Vinny, who was with Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, who was with Robert Duvall in The Godfather, who was with Michael Keaton in The Paper, who was with Jack Nicholson in Batman…, who was with Kevin Bacon in A Few Good Men. Kevin Bacon played an invisible man in Hollow Man. This means that Kevin Bacon is standing next to you right now, and he’s about to kill you.
These are just a few examples of how the same syllogistical form used in the “There’s antifreeze in E-cigarettes” arguments play out when applied to other issues in exactly the same way without the distracting association of a heated political/social debate. The part that makes the conclusion of this silly little article not funny AT ALL is that mental vomit like this is taken seriously by those who have the power to steal our life-saving devices away from us on a whim. How did we come to a world where ridiculousness and absolute absurdity became viewed by the masses as sensible and reasonable? I’m not sure, but sometimes I think that it would be better if the whole system came crashing down around us all of a sudden. I refer you, at this point, to the parable of the frog and the boiling water… (If you haven’t heard it, look it up. It’s worth it!)